Hungry For Power Games: Jeb Has Fallen

Hungry For Power Games: Jeb Has Fallen


AND THIS WEEKEND PROVED ONCE
AGAIN THAT THE PRIMARIES ARE A GLADIATORIAL DEATH-MATCH
BETWEEN WARRING TRIBES, CHEERED ON BY THOSE OF US IN THE
BLOODTHIRSTY MEDIA WHO FEED ON THEIR PAIN. IT’S LIKE THE HUNGER GAMES. NO, IT’S WORSE THAN THAT. IT’S… THE HUNGRY FOR POWER GAMES! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WELCOME TO THE HUNGRY FOR POWER GAMES! TRIBUTES, ASSEMBLE! OH, MY… THEY’RE DWINDLING. NOW THERE ARE JUST HILLARY
CLINTON AND THE SEVEN DWARVES, AND BEN CARSON IS BOTH SLEEPY
AND DOC. BECAUSE OVER THE WEEKEND, WE
LOST THE BIGGEST DWARF OF ALL: JEB! JEB! JEB! OH, THAT’S THE LAST TIME WE’LL
HEAR HIS MOURNFUL MATING CRY, JEB, JEB. JEB, JEB. (LAUGHTER)
NO ONE ANSWERED HIS MATING CRY! ON SATURDAY, JEB FINISHED A
DISTANT FOURTH IN SOUTH CAROLINA AND, AS HE LEFT, JOHN
ELLIS BUSH, A MAN NAMED AFTER HIS OWN MONOGRAMMED
TOWELS, DESCRIBED THE RACE WITH AN
APPROPRIATE METAPHOR.>>TONIGHT, I AM SUSPENDING MY
CAMPAIGN. I CONGRATULATE MY COMPETITORS
WHO ARE REMAINING ON THE ISLAND.>>STEPHEN: THAT’S RIGHT! THIS ELECTION IS LIKE
“SURVIVOR”! BUT SADLY, JEB DID NOT RUN AN
“AMAZING RACE.” HE JUST DIDN’T HAVE THAT
“XFACTOR,” AND NOTHING SHORT OF AN “EXTREME MAKEOVER” COULD MAKE
VOTERS FORGET HIS “BIG BROTHER.” (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AND IT ALL BEGAN SO PROMISINGLY FOR THIS CAREER TRIBUTE, TRAINED
SINCE BIRTH TO FIGHT FOR CAPITOL CITY. HE HAD ALL THE ADVANTAGES OF
NAME RECOGNITION. BUT WAS SADDLED WITH THE
BURDEN OF NAME RECOGNITION. IN AN ELECTION WHERE REPUBLICAN
VOTERS CHEERED TALK OF MEXICAN WALLS, THIS IS HOW JEB ANNOUNCED
HE WAS IN — (SPEAKING SPANISH)
>>STEPHEN: AND… HE’S OUT. (APPLAUSE)
HOW DO YOU SAY “HASTA LA VISTA” IN ESPANOL? TRIBUTE JEB DISTINGUISHED
HIMSELF AS A MODERATE, BY MAKING A MODERATE EFFORT, SAYING EARLY
ON THAT A REPUBLICAN CENTRIST MUST BE WILLING TO “LOSE THE
PRIMARY TO WIN THE GENERAL.” CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE HALFWAY THERE! (APPLAUSE)
THIS MUST ALSO BE A BLOW TO TRIBUTE JEB’S SPONSORS IN THE
CAPITOL, WHO GAVE HIM $150 MILLION! MEANING HIS CAMPAIGN COST AS
MUCH AS “INCEPTION,” ONLY THE ENDING OF JEB’S CAMPAIGN MAKES
SENSE. BUT I WILL ALWAYS RESPECT
TRIBUTE JEB — FOR EVEN AS HIS CAMPAIGN COLLAPSED AROUND HIM,
HE NEVER LOST HIS DIGNITY.>>I THINK THE NEXT PRESIDENT
NEEDS TO BE A LOT QUIETER BUT SEND A SIGNAL THAT WE’RE
PREPARED TO ACT IN THE NATIONAL SECURITY INTERESTS OF THIS
COUNTRY, TO GET BACK IN THE BUSINESS OF CREATING A MORE
PEACEFUL WORLD… PLEASE CLAP. (APPLAUSE)
>>STEPHEN: HE SAID, “PLEASE CLAP” AND THEY DID! IF ONLY HE’D SAID “PLEASE VOTE
FOR ME.” AND I WILL ALSO RESPECT HIM FOR
TRUDGING ON DESPITE SINKING POLL NUMBERS, DUBBING HIMSELF
“THE JOYFUL TORTOISE” AND HANDING OUT TOY TURTLES TO
ANYONE WHO WOULD TAKE THEM. BUT NOW THE TURTLE IS DEAD. HE’S JOYFUL NO MORE! WHAT DOES ONE DO WITH A DEAD
TORTOISE? (LAUGHTER)
(FLUSHING SOUND) BYE BYE! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
SAY HELLO TO ALL THE DONORS’ MONEY! NOW, LET US BID FAREWELL TO THE
FALLEN. (CANNON FIRE)
FAREWELL, GENTLE JEB. YOUR DYNASTY HAS BEEN FOREVER
PUT TO REST. NOW, THE MOST POWERFUL BUSH IS A
TIE BETWEEN YOUR COUSIN BILLY AND THAT BAKED BEANS DOG. PLEASE CLAP!

100 Replies to “Hungry For Power Games: Jeb Has Fallen

  1. to be perfectly honest, I dont like jeb, but the survivor analogy is fucking spot on. Ofc he wouldnt start talking the truth until he dropped out of the race though

  2. $150 MILLION DOLLARS in Super (PAC)-Political Action Committee money.  I would be afraid to start my car in the morning if I were Jeb.

  3. Was Jeb really physically fit for the Power games. Since dropping out Jeb has started a new pant clothing line for men call Panty waists.

  4. they're kicking me out? they're kicking me out! they're kicking me out!

    (sits down and drinks tea)

  5. He must have know he was doomed the instant he had to say, "Please clap."
    I'd feel sorry for him if he hadn't been key in rigging the Florida voting so W could win Florida, and the presidency in 2000. In a way, we have Jeb to thank for 9/11. (Could Al Qaeda have been among his donors? Just as a way to say, "Thanks"?)

  6. So, this has been up a week, and a mere 223 downvotes? Repubs must be asleep at the switch. These are dang funny. That sentence with almost every reality TV show name thrown in was GREAT writing, and Stephen delivered it so well. Applause & cheers!

  7. When I first saw "please clap" I felt sorry for Jeb a little. And cringed. Definitely cringed. But having seen it a couple of times I note some annoyance in his voice when he says it. And the word Republicans throw around so often hit me: entitlement. He acted like he was entitled to their applause. He was saying things that were supposed to make them clap and they Failed Him. But applause must be earned. And he failed to earn it.

  8. so are you guys like eventually going to make spannish/mexican your official second language…thats gonna suck, i was planning to come and live in the USA just because they speak one language officially. and i just so happen to have been forced to learn the language. and i really hate British people with a passion, so no going there(not British people, more like the accent). plus the few British people i have met did not leave any positive impressions.

  9. Let there be no myth about it: there were NO republican 'moderates.' If you checked their official platforms, listened to the substance of their speeches, they agreed with the same xenophobic, racist, classist, sexist policies 90%+ of the time. Cruz and Trump are just more honest and in-your-face in telling the truth about the republican platform.

  10. Jeb's "please clap" remark was not what you'd call presidential, but the way said it was genuinely funny! He was visibly saddened that his Republican audience didn't recognize the idea of "creating a more peaceful world" is something they're supposed to applaud.

  11. I am most definitely no Bush fan, but I think Jeb came across as more humble, educated and clever as his older brother. I mean he speaks Spanish! The other one didn't even speak English!!

  12. The only thing missing from that sentence full of reality show references was "And now he has been fired from the Apprentice Presidential edition"

  13. Oh Horn of Plenty.
    One Horn of Plenty for us all!
    And when you raise the cry
    The brave shall heed the call
    And we shall never falter.
    One Horn of Plenty for us all!

    Oh Horn of Plenty.
    One Horn of Plenty for us all!
    And when we raise the cry
    The brave shall heed the call
    And we shall never fall…

    Oh Horn of Plenty.
    One Horn of Plenty for us all!
    And when we raise the cry
    The brave shall heed the call
    And we shall never falter.
    One Horn of Plenty for us all!

    Oh, Capitol
    Your glorious diamond shine
    A tribute to
    The darkest days behind
    One Horn of Plenty for us all!

  14. i just realized he made a billy bush reference before the pussy tape came out…the only bush that has come out alive after 2016 and 2017 is W, because he isn't the worst living president anymore

  15. Awwww. I wish Jeb was our president so I could get a toy turtle and not have to console myself by watching Stephen expertly make fun of Big Baby Bone Spurs each day.:'(

  16. Even though I saw this before, I must admit, the toilet got me. I did see it coming and I'm rolling on the floor laughing right now.

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