I’m on a Diet, But I’ll Be BAD

I’m on a Diet, But I’ll Be BAD

(upbeat music) – Thank you all for coming
to my secret volcano lair. I’ve asked you all to
join my cabal of evil. Each of you is ambitious,
cunning, and very bad. Doctor Nitrous Nefarious,
chemist of death. General Dominant Machete Hands, bloodiest warlord in the
world with machetes for hands. Jessica, cheated on her diet. – I’ve been bad. – And the hacker known only as Naxo, who has planted viruses– – Uh, I’m sorry. I just uh. – What, hm? – What’s Jessica’s deal again? – Oh, yeah well I’m on
this like low carb diet, which I’ve actually been
doing really good on. – Oh, congratulations. – Oh thank you. But then my friend, she
brought in cookies to work. And she made them herself. (gasping)
From scratch. And I know that she would’ve felt so bad if I did not have one. So I was like, you know
what, I’m gonna be bad. And I ate it. – Jessica no! You were doing so well though. – I had a cookie, I was
just like (bleeping) it. And I did it. – You see, does that answer your question, General Machete Hands? Now, moving on. I’ve isolated all the
nuclear silos in the world– – Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. – What the (bleeping), what, what? – I mean she just ate a cookie, though. Right?
– But she wasn’t supposed to. – Yeah, she’s bad. – I know, stop it. – You stop it.
– You stop it. – You stop it.
– You stop it. – You, you first. – What the hell? – Guys, I have to tell you something else. Last night, I ordered fries. I was out with the gals
and I said, ladies, for this one night only let’s be bad. And we were, we ordered ’em. And I said I was gonna split ’em, but you know I ate every last one. They didn’t stand a chance. – [Dr. Nitrous] That’s against the rules you set for yourself. – Am I right?
(laughing) I love you guys. – What the hell are y’all going on about? – Is something wrong,
General Machete Hands? Perhaps you think that
Jessica will make up for this misdeed by being
extra good tomorrow. I can assure that she will not. Sure, she says she’ll be extra good and then it just never happens. It’s always another excuse. It’s very bad. – That’s not bad! Everyone else here has done something bad. Doctor Nefarious designed a gas that makes people’s brains explode. Naxo rerouted money from
children’s hospitals to fund Mitch McConnell’s
election campaign. I kidnapped Special Agent Johnny Steel. (grunting) – You won’t get away with this. – Right, and Jessica
had seconds at dinner. – I just don’t see how Jessica’s
diet is at all comparable. – [Dr. Nefarious] Probably
’cause you’re not a woman. – Okay. – The truth comes out.
– No, no, no. – What, do you not have
a mother or sister? – Don’t do that to me. No, no, no. I’ve been on diets before. I understand–
– I don’t think you realize the pressure that society
puts on women, okay. – I’m just gonna sit out of this one. But you know, maybe listen a little bit. – Look, this is bad. – Oh! Oh, no, no, no. Oh no, oh Jessica don’t eat that. Oh that’s so much sugar. – What? – Uh oh, I got a chocolate. – What is that? What do you have there? – At least go for a dark chocolate one. – I already had one. (gasping) – What? – Oh come on, it was
coconut and it was gross, so it doesn’t even count. – It’s very surprisingly fatty, coconut. – Oh really, well I
got a surprise for you. – In front of our very eyes, Jessica. – Uh oh, uh oh. – No. – That’s two chocolates, Jessica. – My diet is shut (bleeping) now, so I’ll just start again tomorrow. – No, Jessica. – Hey, does anybody want
some peanut butter s’mores? I know I do. We’ll see if there’s
some left for you guys. (laughing) – Well you know what, that
actually, that is bad. That’s really bad. – Hey, I got a question for you. – Me?
– Yeah. – Go ahead. – I’ve just been
wondering, how do you pee? (sighing) – Hey, it’s Mike Trapp. If you like College Humor
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100 Replies to “I’m on a Diet, But I’ll Be BAD

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  2. "The Evil League of Evil is watching so beware. The grade that you receive'll be your last, we swear. So make the bad horse gleeful, or he'll make you his mare. You're saddled up; there's no recourse. It's "hi-yo, silver!"
    Signed: Bad Horse."

  3. This is like watching Dr. Doofenshrmitz or Dr. Draken try to prove how bad they are to all the other villains.

  4. I been supporting this channel since they put dinosaur office on the 3ds and this is my first comment on there channel

  5. Real quick, at 3:10 the line, I’m gonna stay out of this one but maybe you should listen a little. Is wonderful, I wish that more men said that to other men when women are talking about feminism and such.

  6. Kinda the same formula for a lot of these shorts. Everybody is saying how they all have something in common that makes sense. Ex: they kill or steal. Then one person does something that's not at all similar in any way. Ex: cheating diet. One person says that's not at all similar but all everyone else thinks it is. They argue bla bla bla then the one who disagrees gives in or whatever. It was funny the first couple times but it's getting old

  7. I've been watching college humor for around 8 years now and in the past year you guys have REALLY gone down hill especially all of the shitty new people you guys hire

  8. I’m trying to figure out if they’re building to a crossover with Rooster Teeth given that Brennan was just on as a guest and he also played a super villain…

  9. Oh god, Special Agent Johnny Steele has me weak at the knees. Grant cleans up well when he's not covered in honey and yogurt.

  10. General Machete Hands could probably figure out peeing. Hold with the wrists. HOWEVER the real question is… how does he wipe his ass?

  11. General Machete hands is probably really upset that he didn't dress himself that morning or wiped himself when he used the bathroom last. Having a giant knife for a hand can be pretty useful, but you really don't want to do both…

  12. I think the more important question is how he tied up Johhny Steel with rope. He can pee on his own time, but this is directly related to evil business.

  13. I'm with Jessica. You only live once. You could walk out that door and get hit by a bus. Will your dying thought be, "I shouldn't have eaten the chocolates?"

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