TEDxSF – Nicole Daedone – Orgasm: The Cure for Hunger in the Western Woman

TEDxSF – Nicole Daedone – Orgasm: The Cure for Hunger in the Western Woman


Translator: Mary Kay
Reviewer: Denise RQ All right, OK. (Laughter) My subject is a little bit
more challenging to introduce. I’ve been doing radio interviews lately and noticing the interviewer will spend
the first 40% of the interview preparing the listening audience
for me to come on. They’ll say things
like, “Ladies and gentlemen, the author of ‘Slow sex,’
the art and practice of…” – hmm – Nicole Daedone. So I figured we’re TED people. We’re fast, we’re savvy, we’re smart, so I’m just going to break the ice first: my topic is female orgasm. (Applause) Thank you. (Applause) So that said, I want to thank the people of TEDx
for having me on this stage. This has been a dream of mine
that I thought was absolutely impossible; that we could have a relevant, intelligent conversation
about female orgasm was just a distant dream for me. I just fell in love with this practice. That’s what happened for me. I gave nearly 10,000 hours
to this practice. That’s a lot of hours. (Laughter) A lot! But I learned some key things
in that time that I am bringing to you. The first is that female orgasm is vital
for every single woman on the planet. The second is:
is not so bad for the guys either. (Laughter) The third, and on
a much more serious note, is that it roots
our fundamental capacity for connection. It’s for this reason that I believe that at some point, you will hear yoga, meditation, and orgasm. And you won’t hear it yoga, meditation, and (whispering) orgasm. In 2004, I founded “One Taste”
urban retreat centers with this in mind. “One taste” comes from
the Buddhist expression, “Just as the ocean has
one taste, the taste of salt, so does the taste of liberation,
the taste of truth.” I felt like I had tasted a truth
that was so undeniable I had to bring it to the world. I was absolutely clear on this. Mind you, not everyone was. We had lectures, we had courses,
we had what every orgasm study needs; we had a residence. It was insane by pretty much
anyone’s standards, and we had the lack
of clientele to prove it. My business partner has
journal entries that say things like, “Two people showed up
to the business this week. The first was the postman,
the second was a wrong address.” Crickets. So I began to question whether or not this brilliant, life-altering notion
that I had was actually right. And I began to give up. Until all of a sudden, in some odd storm,
the New York Times discovered us. And when that happened,
people began to flood into our doors; person after person after person. Fundamentally, each person
was saying the same thing. They were saying
some version of “I’m hungry. There’s this annoying sense of hunger
that I can’t quite reach. I don’t know how to touch it.” So I was very clear,
and I would say to them, “Oh! Orgasm.” And they would say, “What?” And I would say, “Orgasm.” And they would say, “Huh?” Because at the time, what happened was they were hearing the toxic mimic
of what I was talking about; because that was the only thing
that had ever been given to us. They were hearing this exaggerated version where you imagine sex toys and boas, or, the other version, where you have
to call your genitals weird things, and use different
spiritual names and stuff, but nobody was actually just imagining
playing good, clean, everyday orgasm as I was talking about it. And it was for this reason that people were coming to me
saying things like, “I’ve been married
to my partner for 28 years, and we haven’t touched for 18.” Or women were coming to me
saying, “I just roll over at night, and I hope he doesn’t touch me
because I don’t want to fake it again.” Or men were saying, “I want to do everything to please her, and I cannot figure it out.” Or, more commonly, woman after woman
was coming through my office, and they were chanting what I call,
“The Western woman’s mantra,” “I work too hard, I eat too much,
I diet too much, I drink too much, I shop too much, I give too much. And still, there’s this sense
of hunger that I can’t touch.” So, when I first discovered this thing, this thing that’s called
orgasmic meditation, this practice, I was fairly smart, I was fairly savvy,
it wasn’t like I grew up in a convent, I had a great sex life,
I had all the climax I could ever want; and still, I had never
experienced anything like this. It happened like this: I went to a party (Laughter) – orgasm is compelling enough
for me to unveil myself – I went to this party, and I met this guy;
which sounds typical. This wasn’t a typical guy. He said, “I’d like to introduce you …” – Oh! You could use
this line if you want! – (Laughter) “I’d like to introduce you
to this sexuality practice.” I said, “Huh?” He said, “I’d like to introduce you
to this sexuality practice.” And then he said, “OK, you are going to take off your pants, and I am going to leave my clothes on. And then, you’re going to lie down, and I am going to put all of my attention
on you for 15 minutes.” “OK.” “And then, at the end of it,
you’re free to go.” (Laughter) I am a good woman,
and I have the defenses of every woman. I know how to say no, but somehow,
I found myself lying there, with my legs butterflied-open. So that you can know what the practice is, so that you can go home
tonight and try it. I’ll describe what he did. I was lying there,
my legs were butterflied-open, and he did what you would
always expect in a sexual act; he took a light and shown it down there. And then, he began
to describe what he saw. He said, “You’re outer labia are coral. I’m noticing that the your inner labia
have this red tone to them, and they’re swelling as I look at them.” And I couldn’t hear anything after that
because the tears just started flooding; something began to thone me. I have never been looked at
or felt that kind of compassion in that area before. So then, he sat next to me, and he put his right thumb
at the base of my introitus, which is the area that you would enter
were you to have intercourse. And he took his finger
and stuck it in lubrication. And then he pulled his finger up, and he put it on the upper left hand
quadrant of my clitoris. The upper left hand quadrant
of my clitoris would be, where I’m facing you, the one o’clock
position with my clitoris, a clock. He stroked up down, up down, up down, up down no firmer than you would stroke
your eye lid, that tender tissue there. So, it was great! Because nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. I was where I always am or was
when I was in any kind of sexuality act. I was in my head. I was thinking about
whether or not I looked good, I was thinking about whether or not
I was doing this thing right, I was thinking whether or not
this guy was kind of creepy, whether or not I was marry him; I was thinking about whether or not
my stomach looked a little poochy, and then, all of a sudden, the traffic jam that was
in my mind broke open. It was like I was on the open road, and there was not a thought in sight,
and there was only pure feeling. For the first time in my life
I felt like I had access to that hunger that was underneath
all of my other hungers, which is a fundamental hunger
to connect with another human being. It was enough,
and in that moment, I thought, “Oh, my God! This is
what it’s supposed to be like.” Then I had a moment of thinking, “I want to know
how to live here in this place.” And then I thought,
in my philanthropic way, that I want everyone else
to know how to live here. Then that window closed. Then I sat about learning
how to live there, and I began studying
in weird behind-the-scenes places, and then I cobbled together this practice that could in a repeatable way
get thousands of people who have come through our doors
back to this place. The amazing thing isn’t just
that you can hit that place, is that you can hit it
with another human being. I don’t like anything, I really, really
don’t like anything woo woo so I’m going to describe it in
the simplest way I can possibly think. Both people are putting
their attention on the same point; – it’s a fairly intense point, mind you – they are putting their attention
on this intense point, and then, just like a master chess player
would get absorbed in a chess game, or perhaps an Olympic athlete
would get absorbed in his practice, or a breathing mediator
would get absorbed, you get absorbed into that place. The only difference is that you get
to be absorbed there with your partner, you get to have this most profound
and deep experience with another human being. So, mind you, I’ve met
with some skepticism; people have called
my life’s practice diddling. (Laughter) They’ve called it mutual masturbation, but the challenge
is that I can’t get mad at them because I too am a skeptic; I was an academic, I prided myself on my ability to say no, I prided myself on my critical thinking. There is no way you ever, ever, ever
could have convinced me to try this thing. What happened was I tried it,
and that convinced me so that’s what I say to people
when they come into my office. I say,”‘Just try it. Really, the worst thing you have to lose
is 15 minutes of your life. The best thing you have to lose
is that sense of hopelessness that you will ever be
reached deep inside.” I sat about this journey, and I can tell you
that there was a moment when I received a stroke
that could never be taken back. It was a stroke where I knew
I had been returned to my birth right of my capacity to perceive
and receive pleasure. This is often a complete shock
to women when they come in, when I say, “Just try orgasm.” Mind you, that’s not that much of a shock
to the pharmaceutical companies; they’ve been spending the past 10 years
creating the next female Viagra. For the DSM-5, they’ve proposed hypoactive sexual desire disorder. I don’t think that it is
hypoactive sexual desire disorder, but I do think we have a pleasure
deficit disorder in this country, and I don’t think that is medical. I think it’s a cultural issue. I do think though that there is a cure, and that cure is orgasm, but it’s going to be a very different
definition of orgasm than we know. It is not going to be
that fleeting moment of climax that seems to take
the whole rest of the act hostage, it’s going to be a definition of orgasm
that actually works with the woman’s body so that rather than trying
to stuff a woman’s body into an ill-fitting definition, we have the definition work
with what the woman’s body does. And the amazing thing is
that when you have this, this whole notion of frigidity
or a woman being anorgasmic flies out the window. And what it’s replaced with
is an entire lifetime journey of discovering who you are
and how your particular orgasm works. (Applause) That said, the Dalai Lama has said that it will be a Western woman
who changes the world. And mind you, I don’t know
if you know about this, but it’s actually
a fairly controversial statement because it presumes
that Western women are above other women in terms of changing the world. I actually have
a totally different issue with it: I think that it will be
turned-on women around the world who’ll change the world, it will be turned-on women
and those who dare to stroke us who’ll actually change the world by feeding this desire
for connection that we all have. Thank you. (Applause)

100 Replies to “TEDxSF – Nicole Daedone – Orgasm: The Cure for Hunger in the Western Woman

  1. Yawn. At least her job is better than working at walmart. Any man that doesn't put his woman's orgasm before his should hang up his balls and retire from the sexual olympics. Its a shame that TED is scraping the bottom of the barrel for speakers, after so many who had something to say actually worth hearing.

  2. Such doctrines distort an essence of the sexual relations about love. The loving man will always find an opportunity for fine feelings of his woman. All the rest here – from a devil, like corruption of unconscious souls. Orgies.

  3. It's so sad that they take the longing for connection and being vulnerable and turn it into a cult that they make big profit of πŸ™ It's vicious actually… Just look up the buzzfeed-video "I was in a cult" they get people into thousands and thousands debt.

  4. If you want true human connection look up {THE AND} project by skin deep here on YouTube πŸ˜‰ They upload amazing content and they don't lure the viewers into a vicious cult like this^^

  5. How is it that TED talks are so responsible that they take down the guy that says tax the rich guy but leave up the cult lady? I mean seriously.

  6. Coming from buzzfeeds cult video. With that in mind, I can't believe she was allowed on a ted talk. And that it's still up.

  7. Honestly, all the woman did was just repeatedly paraphrase (or just repeat) the word "orgasm" and made a speech of no content.
    And I read about it being a cult…

  8. Are you serious?? I suppose "ideas worth spreading" means nothing at all to you charlatans. I actually did put some faith in TED having some standard regarding the facts they present. But this half digested display is such a steep low that one have to really question, who else might have shamelessly bought some positive time under your banner.

  9. She doesn't sound like a cult leader but apparently she is? I thought this was interesting until I read these comments?

  10. I mean, it's all valid information, it's just that this group uses this power to manipulate people seeking connection out of their money, their time, and the very autonomy that this practice is supposed to provide.
    I say: research this practice, and find your own safe, personal, and consenting group of people who want to do this for each other, not just for pay.

  11. Lots of people start out with the best of intentions, then when they start making money they become obsessed with acquiring ever more money and somehow lose sight of their original goals. The end result can be high pressure sales tactics, employee abuse, overpriced products, and psychological pressure on vulnerable clients.

  12. Loose morals and thoughtlessness will change the world… people carrying both are the only ones that dare to do everything unreasonable.

    … and then the world will revert back to its equilibrium of people that can sacrifice immediate urges to invest in bloodline sustainability, while everyone else dies alone.

    Without family and commitment, a species is destined to go extinct, regress to its animal past, or create a future government that will control birth and take away your right to procreate.

  13. OK. SO "HUNGER" is METAPHORICAL for GETTING FINGERED CORRECTLY! 3:22
    Doctors figured this out more than a 100 years ago when women that suffered from "hysteria" would get felt up by their doctor & because it was such hard "work" the vibrator was eventually invented as a "medical" device.

  14. Men climax and women orgasm, and in case you don't know it, there's a huge difference and the words should not be interchanged.

  15. I do not have any preconceived ideas on the presenter as I do not know here. I simply assess that video for it’s content and found it very interesting the way she covered all elements involved in having an orgasm. Many will claim that they all know that. The simplicity of here presentation reflects how well she knows here topic. This topic keep coming over and over again I can only conclude that there is a definite interest in it which indicate that many keep searching for answers. I picked up some very interesting new ideas on the topic and would not be surprised that the selecting comity saw the same thing to allow such presentation. Very well prepared material. Thank you for sharing the information. I read many of the comments and was extremely impressed by their relevance. have Γ  pleasant day and please do not expect any further comments or follow-up on your replies from me.

  16. Really? Partners don't get together and learn about each other? This really brings my opinion if a TED talk to new lows.

  17. I can laugh about this, what have men to do with female orgasm? Get it yourself, there are a million toys and still no stimulation? GTFOH πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ oh and blame for not findimg it yourself.

  18. I know nothing about her or her supposed cult. But I do know this. Women do want connection. People do want connection. And if done with a loving intention with someone that you feel safe with, I know firsthand that this can be unbelievably healing, nourishing, and transformative. It's not the be-all end-all, but it's a piece of learning how to feel safe, receive, drop into feelings stored in the body, etc.

  19. @1:38 M'am, a cramp has nothing to do with connection of any sort. You sure know lust. I doubt you know love.

  20. I'm a very conservative, shy, unmarried guy who listened to a few of the TED talks on this topic because I wanted to hear from researchers and therapists speaking in a scientific context. I usually trust TED to provide that, so I felt OK in deciding to listen to such TED talks. I did this for my own education (for relations in marriage at some point), and because I teach biology and medically-related classes and felt a need to supplement my extensive scientific knowledge with information from researchers with experience on the topic. Even when I disagreed with the presentation styles or philosophies of some of the speakers in other TED talks, I always felt that I gained at least some positive insights, and I thought that all the other speakers were approaching the topic from a professional, scientific perspective with a desire to help struggling people. THIS talk is different. I felt like something was wrong within the first minute or two, and became totally CREEPED-OUT at the 7-8 minute mark. So, I stopped listening at the 7-8 minute point. In my opinion, there is definitely something (possibly a LOT) "off" with this speaker &/or talk.

  21. The cure for women who can’t orgasm is: BBC, I just gave a girl 3. These men are so terrible in bed that this lady had to open a β€œretreat” and do a tedtalks. Anyone relate to what I’m trying to say? Find a man that knows how to learn your body and please you..

  22. She sounds like a salesman selling a basic idea without giving the secret away. And she sounds frustratingly coy about her subject. Either way, she's just beating around the bush.

  23. So did you ever think that you should stroke your husband instead of needing him to make you happy all the time. Many women are naive in bed with men and selfish also. Maby you need to address the real issues as there are a lot more than just you and your pleasure.

  24. Ahh always women topic. Why they don't do a topic about what men's want in a relationship or what men's want?

  25. Excellent presentation on topics which even liberal intelligent people are scared to talk!!! Top presentation!!!

  26. There's a degree in Gender Communication?
    How many credit hours does it take to correctly say, "Yes, dear"?

  27. Ladies if you are looking for salvation in the depths of your orgasm but can't find it I know this creepy dude that can give you a super orgasm! …..the end.

  28. So many words and i learned absolutely nothing, there was no information. Im shocked this is in TED talks. Title is very misleading.

  29. Blahblahblah giggle giggle
    do xyz to change the world
    blah blah blah
    Giggle
    The end
    Xyz… … … ?

    Zero value here

  30. Ok, I am an evangelical Christian. At the end of the talk, I couldn't help but think, "Well isn't that one of the reasons that God gave us marriage?" The greatest place to experience that reality that she speaks of is in a healthy marriage?

  31. It’s funny hearing all the male boys reply to this video. They have no clue what she’s talking about obviously it’s too hard for them to comprehend.

  32. correct
    western women are divided east mid west and animosity even enmity divides them.
    the world changing event women will modify will be the body politic .
    once women become demicrates and men republicans !
    consider small d demicrates needed to deal with the local issues which are the target of today's democrats and natural to woman.

  33. NICOLE I HAVE FOLLOW OTHER TOPIC REGUARDING FEMALE ORGASM AND I GOT FRUSTRATED LIKE IT WAS ALL ABOUT WOMEN NOW THAT YOU HAVE EXPLAIN YOUR SIDE OF THE STORY , I FILL CONCERN AND WANT TO PART OF THE SOLUTION. THANKS NICOLE

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *